Out of the Ashes

I came to a realization this morning, one of those breakthrough moments when everything was crystal clear. I had another meltdown lasr night, along with the usual cardiac incident, and I remember telling my friend that I just wanted to bang my head against the wall so all the thoughts going around in my head would stop. This isn't really anything new, it's the same black hole I've been living in since January. I've gone though the usual cycle I go through when my life falls to pieces...I get readings, and feel better for a little while, and then start doubting them, even though every reading I've had since November has told me that this is a time of transition in my life, and that this Summer will bring me a new job and a new relationship. You would think that having 7 readings over 7 months with 6 different readers would make me feel pretty confident that this things would happen, but it just goes around and around in my head. I read all the you create your own reality books, watched the videos, and although my mind accepted it, I couldn't feel it in my heart.
I couldn't feel much of anything, except a black, creeping despair. I don't know what happened in my sleep last night, but I woke up this morning understanding that my problem was that everything was in my head, and my heart was locked up tighter than Fort Knox. I was so afraid of feeling the pain and anger over SAM moving out the way she did that I wouldn't allow myself to feel anything. I became completly cut off from my emotions, and I wondered why my intuition didn't seem to be working anymore. It's funny in a way, because I used to live on my emotions, and that's not a good thing either. There has to be a balance, but I seem to go to one extreme or the other.
Even though I realized a long time ago that my back problems were caused by my inability to stand up to people, it never occureed to me that my heart problems were caused by bottling up my emotions and not going after what I really wanted. I should have known the dam was going to burst, because I would find myself starting to cry for no reason, but I would cut it off, and bottle it up again.I've cried alot today, but it felt good to get it out. I cried for the loss of a 6 year friendship. I cried because I felt like my friends weren't there when I needed them, I cried over things that happened as far back as Mayrose, because they still hurt. I cried because I hate myself for all the controlling, manipulative things I've done because I thought I could keep the people I love in my life by controlling them, when my attempts to control them only made them leave.
I don't think that all this crying ia a bad thing. I had to get it all out in order to move on. I think even the pain is better than the emotional dead zone I've been living in. I knwo from past experience that once I get past the pain I can find the strength to move on and fix the things that can be fixed. I drew 2 angel cards the other day, after not touching them for months. They said Magic and Water. I understand the water now. I had to get back in touch with my emotions, even though there are things there that hurt, things I've been telling myself don't matter. I miss Saturdays in the Springs. I miss just hanging out with people. I miss so many things. Maybe once I've gotten all this emotional junk out of my system, then the Magick can happen again. Maybe all is not lost. Maybe the Phoenix can rise from the ashes once again.

Just to let everyone know, I'm officially a graduate student as of May 13. I''m going to Kaplan University online to get my masters in education. Thw financial aid will be enough to cover my living expenses, although I'm still looking for a better job. Taking out a ton in student loans is scary, but I know I can do this, and in a year and a half I can teach. Things really do get better when you let go and believe, and I think my life is really turning around.
Just wanted to let everyone know.

I haven't written here in a long time. Mostly I've been posting to Abe group. Things aren't going very well right now. I've been trying to get back to the place of manifesting good things in my life. I know the more I concentrate on how bad the finances are, or how alone I feel, the worse it's going to get. I know that everything is energy, and I attract thigs by the thoughts I send out. I really do know this on a logical level.It's not just metaphysics anymore, it's science. No matter what my logical mind tells me, I'm having trouble believing. I want to get back to that place where I could manifest anything I wanted or needed without any effort, but I don't know how.
I went out to the Springs about a week ago and had a reading with Leah. She said this was a spiritual test. She also said that I would get a better job and things would turn around financially by May or June. She had told me last fall that I would get a better job in the Spring, and I had a reading by someone else who basically told me the same thing. I know I'm trying too hard, trying to do everything myself, instead of just visualizing what I want, and letting the Universe deal with the details.
I was thinking about it last night, and I realized one of the things I did alot was guided meditations, so I did a couple before I went to bed, and this morning was the first day since I've been alone here that I didn't wake up having a panic attack. I want to believe in a Universe that's all good and will bring me everything I want, but I need to see something good start to happen. So for now I guess I'll just keep doing the meditations...it's the only time I feel at peace, and connected to something bigger.

I agreed with Obama 100% of the time..that actually suprised me a little. I don't think he's as strong on the envoroment as I would like, and lately he's been drifting towards the center on some of his positions, but overall I think he has a much better chance of turning this country around than McCain. This is the first time I've been excited about a candidate since Bill Clinton.

I love Fall. I love everything about it. What I don't love are the Holidays. Holidays suck when you have no family.I know my friends try to be there for me, but I don't want to be a guest with someone else's family, I want one of my own. Being with someone else's family just makes me realize even more that I have none. Even when there's a large group of my friends together, everyone there has someone except me. I usually don't really hit the skids until November, but the subject got brought up.
I've just been realizing lately that I'm a pretty unhappy person. About 95% of my life sucks. I know that sounds like a really negative thing to say,but I've been pretending for a very long time that everything was fine when it wasn't. I do try to see the positive side of evverything, but I can ignore the things that aren't so good, till it all builds up and I spiral into a depression. It seems to me if life is just going to be an endless cycle of going to work, watching the DVR, doing housework and sleeping, it's not a life worth living. I have been here before, and it's always been followed by a time of positive change. I just need to pick myself up off the floor, and get mad. Emotion powers manifestation. I can't get to that happy place right now where all I have to do is think about something and it appears. I know no one would believe this, but I havea temper. A really bad temper. But I've hurt people in the past by going off and saying things I didn't really mean, so I've learned not to allow myself to get angry, to shove it all down inside and pretend that everything is fine. I think the problem I have is seeing the difference between good anger and bad anger. Good anger is seeing that there's something wrong, and being determined to change it. Bad anger is just being pissed off all the time over little things that don't really matter. I don't know if any of this even makes sense, but I ahve to start getting ready for work now.

Well, I've been trying to take these quizes, but I can't get them to copy and paste correctly. I tried to take the conservative one, but my brain just fried. I couldn't find a single question that had an answer that was even remotley acceptable. The Liberal one was just the opposite, I wish there had been an all of the above option on several of them. So, here are the results:

Your Liberal Breed: Peace Patroller
You are a peace patroller. otherwise known as an anti war liberal or neo hippie. You believe in putting an end to American imperial conquest, stopping wars that have already been lost, and supporting our troops by bringing them home.

Yep, I think that about sums it up.

My boss tells me the other day that I need to be more firm with the emploiyee's, and not do all their work for them. Since I just realized this the other day, it was confirmation that I am on the right track. I am finding it easier and easier to actually manage my crew, and tell them want I want or need without feeling like I'm imposing. Still very much a work in progress.
Today I need to work on the carpet, so I can get it sealed while I'm on vacation. We're going to worry about sanding and staining later, since we can do that a little bit at a time. I have to be patient with myself and remember that this is going to take time, I can't get it all done in a day, and I deserve to be able to rest and have fun on my day off.

It all started with Pluto and Jupiter. Jupiter is the planet of expansion, positive change and blessings of all kinds, and Pluto, no matter what the astronermers say, is the planet of karma and life lessons. They had both been in retrograde since the Spring, pretty much putting positive change on hold and hitting me over the head with the same bad karma over and over. I was completly unaware of this until 3 days ago. For some reason I checked my yahoo mail which I do once in a blue moon, and I randomly clicked on one of my astrology today mails, which I usually just delete. that's when I found out about the whole retrograde thing, and that the planets were finally going into direct motion on the 7th and 8th.
I would have said, wow, that's interesting, and promptly forgotten about it, except for what has happened the last few days. I opened yesterday, and I usually take a book or magazine with me, since I have three hours to open and it only takes me one. I randoomly grabbed a magazine off the pile, and it turned out to be my yoga journal. I'm siting at work reading it, and 2 articles really struck me.One was about accessing your inner Kali. It really hit home with me because the author was talking about a friend of hers who was raised to be very nice and polite all the time, and she let people walk all over her becasue she was afraid of confrontations. I saw alot of myself in that, and realized I was angry about quite a few things, and I was just letting it eat me up inside. Too much anger is a bad thing, but so is rolling over and letting people walk all over you. Later that day I realized that my whole crew was sitting outside smoking and talking, while I was doing their work, when I had a ton of paperwork to do. I marched out there and told them to get inside, gave them a list of what I needed done, and did my paperwork. It really felt good to stand up and say this is what I need done, and not try to do everything myself because I'm the "nice" manager. I stood up for myself, I gave orders, and nothing bad happened, and no one was pissed. I need to actually manage my shifts, instaed of doing everyone else's work, and then getting all stressed out because I don't have time to do what I need to do.
The other article was about how our minds affect our bodies. I've known this for years, but what I never saw was how my way of thinking was damaging my body. I know that my friends think I have no backbone, it's been a joke for years. Now I have degenerative osteoarthritis in my spine, and I really will have no backbone in a few years. I have also been saying that I feel paralyzed, like I can't move foward. Now I'm having trouble moving my legs somedays, and I am literally paralyzed. Realizing these things was like the clue fairy hit me really hard. I know I need to make major changes and stick to them.I've come to this point of realizing I need change before, and sliding back into apathy and muggleness. I need to keep on myself, and not say "I can take a day off, I'll clean tomorrow, I'll meditate later." It's going to take awhile to break out of years of playing poor, poor pitiful me, and take charge of my life again. It will take awhile to get used to saying what I really feel without worrying that someone is going to be pissed. I' m hoping that if I journal my progress here everyday, it will keep me moving in the right direction. You can all read or ignore as you wish, but I need to be accountable to someone, even if it's just my live journal.
Yesterday was a very strange day. After I had my realizations, I sat outside the store and just closed my eyes and meditated for a minute. I used to do that several times a day, and I can't remember when the last time was. It just felt so good to shut off my mind and just connect for a minute. I felt much more peaceful and focused when I went back in. It was payday, and everyone came in to get their checks, including Ben, one of our drivers. A little while later, John, Tom and I went outside to enjoy the nice weather, and we found Ben's uniforrms sitting on the back porch with a note saying "going back to school, sorry." Wow...talk about things moving foward rapidly! He hadn't said a word when he picked up his check. A little later Bridget called, to tell me that one of my favorite customers from Fairborn had died.It happened a few weeks ago, and it seemed odd that the news reached me that day. It remeinded me that change comes, and the river keeps on flowing, whether you want it to or not. You just have to make a decision on whether you want to go with the flow, ot keep fighting to hang on.
So I get home from work, and I usually just park my butt in front of the TV or the computer. I decided I was going to actually get something done, so I ripped up alot of the carpet in the living room. We have some beautiful hardwood under the carpet, and the carpet has gotten old and worn, and the cat smell has gotten into the padding. Pulling it up was pretty nasty, but the floor looks so much better now, and the smell is going away.I want this house to be a clean and healthy enviroment for all the people and animals who live here. I want to be able to have people over without apologizing for the mess.I have a week of vacation coming at the end of this month, and I would like to get at least one room painted.Ideally, I would like to get the living room, dining room and hall done before it gets cold. The wood floors are so much easier to keep clean than the carpet was, and the cats don't mess on it.I think this house could look 100% better with a fresh coat of paint and the new floors.
I'm so tired of all the junk and clutter in my life. When I'm on vacation I'm going to be dragging all my clothes out of the attic and getting rid of the things I never wear. I'm not getting rid of all of it, but I think I can make a big dent. I feel guilty that I have all these clothes I never wear, but I could never bring myself to give them away. But they're not doing me any good sitting in the attic taking up space. All my clothes should be able to fit into my closet, dresser and chest of drawers. That's the eventual goal. If I get rid of all the things that are outdated or too small, I should be able to buy some things that fit and are comfortable. I do want to lose weight, but I need to invest some money in clothes I can wear now. I'm done babbling for now, I have things I have to do before work, including packing myself a dinner so I don't eat all the high fat, high salt stuff at work. I'm thinking a ham salad sandwich,a banana and a granola bar. Eating more healthy food is going to be a shoick to my system, but it will survive.

Of course it's a planet, schmamit, damnit Janet. If it wasn't, it would blow centuries of Astrology, not to mention pissing off Pluto/Hades....not a good thing.

OK I'm really sick and tired of all this fighting over the Storm situation. At this point it's tearing the household apart, and I just can't do this anymore. I am sick of the endless debate over whether Lex did or didn't do what she was supposed to, in the time she was supposed to, and whether it was done well enough. I love Lex, and my roomies, and Storm, and I don't want to hurt anyone, but right now I'm the one stuck in the middle. I'm done with it. I don't want to hear about it, I don't want to discuss it, if I hear one more word about it I will scream. Something that should have been very simple has just spiraled out of control. I can't make everyone happy. I can't be Solomon and divide the cat in half. I can't even hang out and watch TV with my roomies without fighting over Storm. This whole thing has been mismanaged from the day Lex decided to move out. I am sick of the fighting, I'm sick of the bullshit, and I'm sick of being torn apart.
I would say I was sorry if anyone was angry with me, but I am so damn sick and tired of trying to keep everyone happy. I just can't do it anymore. I need to do what makes me happy, and that would be having some peace and quiet in my household, and being able to enjoy being with my roomies.

Almost no sleep last night...I feel like I'm being too harsh, but I have to make a stand.I guess this was just a bad time for this to happen, because I had decided that I wasn't going to be a doormat anymore. I was so busy trying to keep everyone happy that I let people walk all over me, just to keep the peace. I really lost all self respect, and I can't do it anymore. I may piss people off, but at least I'll know I stood up for myself and said what I had to say. One or more of my roomates may not like it and move out, but that's a chance I'm going to have to take.

So I hear through the grapevine that Lex is moving back in with her Mom. It's not that I really have a problem with that, except for the fact that she hasn't had the common decency to talk to me about it and make arrangements. If she's moving out, that's fine, but I really resent being treated like I don't matter, after everything I've done for her.I don't really know how I feel...part of me is sad because I feel like I'm losing my family all over again. The other part of me is angry because the more everyone else in this house talks, I realize the full extent of the drama she's created, and the lies and manipulations that have been going on.
I will miss our lunches together, and making fudge and watching tv. I will not miss everything disappearing into the black hole that's her room. I won't miss the expense of her food and clothing, but I will miss the shopping trips, and getting our hair done together.I guess I liked the illusion of having a child so much that I turned a blind eye to allot of things. I have to admit that I was happy when, as I was telling her I was unsure of how to explain our relationship to my co workers, she said to just tell everyone she was my daughter. I know she has a Mother, but it made me so happy to have family again. All I ever wanted was a home and a family, and I've made some bad decisions trying to get them...Steve springs to mind.

While I'm venting, it has come to my attention that Lex is telling people that I told her if she moved out I would never speak to her again. I never said that, and never would. I did tell her a year or so ago when she was doing the same thing i.e. telling people she was moving in with her Mom and not talking to me, that I didn't want to see her for awhile, not because I was angry that she was moving out, but because she left me hanging and didn't have the common courtesy to talk to me about it. If she wants to move out because I told her she needed to get a job and help out with house bills, then she needs to grow up and take some responsibility. She wants to be an adult, she needs to take responsibility for her actions, and not run away to avoid doing things she doesn't want to do, like paying her own way.We had a house meeting, and we decided that if she moves out, she'll have 30 days to decide if that's what she really wants to do. At the end of that time, if she doesn't want to live here, that's fine. If she's going to leave it will be less traumatic for everyone if she gets her stuff out of here within 2 weeks. We will hold the room for her for 30 days, if she wants to change her mind. After that, moving back in is not an option. period. I will not be her storage unit.Also, once she's made her decision, that's it. If she wants to stay at her Mom's at the end of the 30 days, then she can never live here again. It's not because I'm being vindictive, but it's too unsettling for the household to have her moving in and out. There is also the issue that this is the second time this situation has come up, and I don't feel that I would ever be able to trust her again.
I guess I should've known when she referred to living here as opposed to her Mom's the lesser of two evils. I just didn't want to see it.
I know she thinks I would "freak out" if she had talked to me about this, and I would've been upset, but I would've gotten over it. It's not that I expected her to stay here forever, I wanted her to get a job and save her money to move out. I even offered to help her buy the things she would need to move out. I've already bought her a bathroom set, and promised her some of my Mother's furniture. I considered her my adopted daughter and my heir.Now I'm unsure about that too. I feel like it could be manipulative to say that I won't let her have the things I bought for her, or that Promised her for when she moved out. On the other hand, if she's just going to move out without even talking to me, I don't feel like I owe her anything. I guess I should've expected it, she moved out on her Mom the same way. I'm too hurt and angry right now to make those decisions. All I know is hearsay, and I could be wrong about everything, and then I'l feel really stupid about this rant.
we've all decided that until we know what's going on, we're going to get all the locks changed tomorrow. God alone knows what she has in her room that belongs to us. I hate to violate the borders of her room, but if I don't hear anything before my day off, I'm going to start looking through it to find anything of mine that may be in there. If she decides to move out without talking to me and making arrangements, she'll have to wait until it's convenient for us to get anything she may need. . I just want to be sure that this is really what she wants, and that she won't move out and then change her mind and want to come back. I think 30 days is a fair amount of time for her to make a decision. I want to leave a door open, but I can't leave it open forever. We've already made plans for that room, but we won't do anything with it for 30 days after she moves her stuff out.
You know, I'm having doubts about the 30 days. What's really pissing me off right now is being left hanging, and I'm not sure I want to be left hanging for that long. Maybe it's better to just get it over with.What's really sad is that if she had just come to me and said it wans't working for her here, I would have been sad,but I would have understood, and we still could have gotten together and done the things we liked doing together. I'm not saying that we never will again, but I think I'll need some time. In some ways I feel like I tried to give her a good home and failed, but I know that's not true. If I failed at all, it was because I was too lenient with her, let her get away with too much.Maybe it would be better if she went back to her Mom's. I know she would have to get a job, do chores and keep her room clean. It's time she learned some responsibility, and that actions have consequences. She can handle this like a mature adult, and still have a relationship with the people in this house and be welcome to come over and visit, or she can just disappear, and know that some doors will be closed to her, and this will never be her home again. It's hard for me to say these things, and I'm glad I have my roommates to back me up, because I'm a pushover. I'm tired now, but I think I've come to some kind of peace with it. It is what it is, and I just need to get over it and go on with my life. Whether she'll remain my heir, and whether there can be any kind of relationship in the future, only time will tell.

I was really disapointed in my first management check. Seems I bumped myself into a higher tax bracket. Now I'm scrambling to redo the budget and make everything fit somehow.Going back to driving isn't really an option...my poor Dragon needs 2 grand in repairs, and I can' tkae any more out of the estate this year.I don't think the Dragon would make it another year on delivery, and I don't want to lose him.It really is better for me in the long run...more money each week in my 401, more money showing on my checks, which will mean more social security, and I'm at an age when I have to look at the long term. I like managing for the most part, we have a good team and good crew, and it's not really hard, I just miss driving around and having cash. I love my house, my sometimes I wish I was still living in the apartment...a house is a lot to take care of, and sometimes it feels like a burden, and I have way too much stuff. There isn't an inch of space for anything...I feel guilty that I have so much stuff I never use...Cd's I don't listen to, books and magazine's I don't read, candles and incense I never burn, clothes I don't wear....and knick knacks crowding every surface.I envy a friend of mine who has the courage to simplify her life and get out from under...I wish I could do the same.Break it down to the clothes I actually wear and the books I actually read.
One good thing about a tight budget is that I'll be forced to use the things I already have, instead of constantly buying more. Also, having to cook and eat at home means I'm getting healthier, and actually losing weight. Not a whole lot, but between no fast food and yoga every morning, my clothes are getting looser, and this is a good thing.
So I'm going to stop bitching, get my ass off the computer, and start going through things. I may not be able to make a clean sweep, but I WILL clear off at least one shelf on my bookcase, throw away all the old make up I never use, and all the back issues of magazine's I'll never get around to reading.Tomorrow I think it's time to clean my Mom's stuff out of the buffet so I can put my stuff in there, and decide whether I really want to keep the Sims on my computer, since it takes up so much space and I never play anymore.
I have wasted my Summer sitting on my ass and watching TV or playing on the computer. I got a real wake up call when Tracy and I took the boys to the Springs last week.Fisst I found a beautiful Phoenix at the toy store...Him I had to have. Then I kept finding the Eye of Horus everywhere....both signs of get rid of what's not working, embrace change and get back on track. The thing is, I like to interfere in other people's lives...I mean well, I really do...but things never turn out the way I expect. I thought I was doing what was best for the other person, when really I was doing what was best for me. Unfortunatly, there was way too much collateral damage. I think my problem is that I have more power than wisdom, and I keep trying to fix things that aren't broken, or shouldn't be fixed.
I guess I'm a little pissy right now because it's come to my attention that I'm being accused of doing things I'm not doing. Allegedly someone posted quite a rant on their LJ. I don't know...last time I tried to check their LJ just to see what they were up to, it wasn't there, so I guess I'm being blocked. I can't say I'm not hurt by it, but I really can't blame the person because of past history. If I did the crime, I'll do the time. Not sure of exactly what I'm being accused of, just general fucking with other people's lives I guess.What I don't understand is, according to what I was told, this person has bound me so I can't do anything. If that's true (and I believe it is, because not even my shields work),how could I be doing anything? All I can think is that someone is doing a damn good imitation of me, but it would have to be someone who knew I was powerless and had something to gain by pointing the finger. Who would want me discredited and out of the way? and who would know enough about things I did in the past to imitate them? Wow, that sounds really paranoid....it could just be that alot of random bad shit happened and I'm getting blamed. I am so sick of being one of the usual suspects!
Part of being a phoenix is that you have to face yourself before you can leave the past behind and start over, so, here where no one will ever see it, I'll say the truth. I am a horribly insecure person who needs constanr approval. I try to control everything and everyone around me because I have no faith in myself. It's easier to blame others and play the victim then to take responsibility for bad decisions. I have lied, cheated and manipulated. I've been a bad friend. And the saddest part is I have everyone convinced that I'm such a wonderful person. I wish I wasn't burdened with a conscience. I really do feel bad about alot of things. I really want to be the person I pretend to be. Part of me is..I just get so tired of being nice all the time and not being able to tell people when they piss me off that sometimes I resort to manipulation just to feel like I have some control over my life.
As hurt and angry as I am about these accusations, maybe my friend has done me a favor by making me face up to and take responsibility for the things I've done. I can't go on living like this. It sucks that I'm being unjustly accused this time, but I guess I'm paying for all the times I got away with it.I hope I can change. I hope I have the guts to make it work this time, instead of sliding back into victimazation and denial. I hope I can become the person my friends think I am. Only time will tell. I know I never want to look into the mirror and see what I saw today.

OK, closing AT Beavercreek sucked. It was dead and boring...I can't believe they wanted to transfer me there. I would go nuts. I still have to work there on Monday, and it's going to be dead because of the holiday. I wonder if they'd be pissed if I brought a book?
The moon was full tonight, and it was really pretty. I don't really keep track of the moon anymore, so it was a suprise when I saw it. Magick doesn't seem to work for me since the cancer...i guess my body has changed, but I can't figure out how to make things work again. I haven't gotten a single thing I've worked for...not even the twitch tape is working. I just can't seem to get to the place where I can make things happen. It's very frustrating, to feel like I'm not in control of my life anymore, or that I have to try and deal with things in the material world, instead of just twitching them.
It's late now, I should go to bed. I don't know why I even bother writing in here, nobody reads it anyway. On the other hand, it can be like a diary, and I can write whatever I feel without pissing anyone off.

In a way it sucks that I have to work Saturday, but it's so nice having the day off today. I've had the new age on all day, taken a nice long bath, and answered my email. It's raining outside, but I have candles lit, and the music going. I really needed a nice, peaceful down day.now I should go do my exercising...one thing I love about the balletcore workout...since it's yoga and pilates, I can do it to my new age...it's very slow and stretchy, just what I need right now. Then I think I'll curl up with a book. Sometimes I just need a day like this to recharge my batteries. I hope my vacation is one long down day.

well, here it is 3 AM and I can't sleep.I'm so tired of being mislead if not actually lied to. Once again I thought we had an agreement as far as who was moving out when, and now it seems things have changed again, and I don't know how I'm going to raise the money to pay the taxes and insurance, with business as slow as it is. I said some things today out of frustration and anger that I regret now, but I'm getting really tired of my soon to be former roomie talking out of both sides of his mouth. Now I have to wait until I see him again, and I still don't know if I can trust anything he tells me. All I need is 2 months, and my promotion should come through. I've already got the OK to start training, and it shouldn't take that long. Once I get on salary I'll be OK financially, although it will mean more hours and working nights and weekends. I wish I hadn't caught up all our bills, but I was counting on the extra income for another 2 months as agreed. I'm just so pissed right now that I don't want to be nice or reasonable. Bleh...I guess I'll go try and sleep...nothing I can do about it tonight.

The energy was really jumpy last night. Part of it was the police sirens and the jets taking off, but something else was up. I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open when I went to bed, but then I couldn't sleep. Everything I've been studying kept running around in my head. I'm still blown away by the Ramtha material. Everything I ever believed is right there....the Gods coming from another world to breed with ancient man and give evolution a big jump, the fall of atlantis, the inevitable changes that are coming to our world....not physical, but spiritual.
I've believed that this world was colonized by higher beings for a long time, but something in the way Ramtha talks about it ade me really feel it. He calls us the forgotten Gods. I was thinking about Isis today, and realized that the Gods are truly our parents. Their blood is our blood, their DNA sleeps inside us, ready to be activated, and allow us to do all that they could.
So it was alll jumbled up in my dreams last night....Ramtha, Isis, Atlantis and all the long millennia it has taken us to get here seemed like just a moment...the history of the world in fast forward. Seeme like an akward place to leave this, but I still have much to mull opver, and I want to read another chapter in Ramtha and meditate.

Well, the twitch tape is back in the car, and I think I did a good job of staying positive, at least for today. I have to remember that it's always slow getting started, and even after I turn my thoughts around, it still takes awhile for that first manifestation to happen. It's like looking for the first sign of Spring in March, and it seems like it will never come. I know once it starts, everything will manifest very quickly, and once I manifest one thing, it's easier to believe, and the more I believe the faster the manifestations happen.
I was thinking last night, when I couldn't sleep, about what was different in my life now, as opposed to when I was manifesting everything very easily. The main thing was that I was living alone, and didn't really have any distractions. No tv, no computer,very little music. Seems like all I did was read metaphysical books, meditate and visualize. I remember later, after I got the computer, that I played online to give myself a break from all the work I was doing on manifesting.
So now back to reading and meditating, and letting the powers that be know exactly what I wish for them to do. I have to remember not to get discouraged if things aren't going the way I want them to at first, because it took months, if not years, for me to put myself in the position I'm in. Time to use a little of that Taurus stubborness to hang in there and get what I want, instead of spending all my energy putting up roadblocks.

After getting exactly no sleep last night, I've decided that I'm going to try and pretend like I believe all the things I say I believe. Thinking about the way things are has got me so depressed that I don't want to get out of bed in the  morning. SO I've decided that I'm going to pretend that things are the way I want them to be...even if that means I'm living in a fantasy world, it's better than dealing with things the way they are. Maybe all this stuff is true, and I just keep attracting more bad stuff into my life....I'm trying to look on this as an experiment in reality creation, so I don't get really disapointed if it doesn't work... I guess I'll find out once and for all if this stuff is true for everyone, or everyone except me. I'll give it a week to start, and see if anything changes. Why not? There's nothing left to lose at this point.